On Friday, Naviance Inc. announced that hackers have stolen the Naviance goals of 3.7 million students across America. That includes every single goal made by U-32 students. The hackers were hoping to gain information about the American schooling system to sell to Russian investors, but they were sorely disappointed.

 Of the 537 high schoolers at U-32, no one completed all of their goals.

The hackers have since published the goals on the dark web. This has allowed the Chronicle to trawl through the darkest wishes of U-32 students.

The Chronicle reached out to the investigators on the case. “We probably could have found the hackers if we tried,” one investigator commented, “but honestly who cares about Naviance goals.”

We have compiled a list of interesting goals that students have made:

  • “Do not go gentle into that good night” – Freshman
  • “Find the bathroom” – Senior
  • “Eat, Pray, and most of all, Love” – Sophomore
  • “Pass a class” – Super Senior
  • “Make a friend” – One lonely fellow
  • “Avenge the fallen” – Junior
  • “Absolutely send it” – Senior
  • “Minimize taxes on my summer estate” – Sophomore
  • “Figure out whether woodpeckers get headaches” – Junior
  • “Rage, rage against the dying of the light” – That same freshman
  • “Invest in dry whey futures” – Sophomore