Every year, high school students take the “Vermont Youth Risk behavior Survey,” which seeks to collect data for the state about how its children and teenagers are doing. In past years, the questions have been pretty generic — but this year, something was different.
The survey began by asking students their grade, height, social security number, and other identifying questions. Then, they were asked whether or not they used various drugs, whether or not they practiced safe sex, and whether or not they had been bullied recently. After asking all the questions students expected to hear, the survey asked this:
“During the past 7 days, how many times did you eat slim jims?”
A) 4 to 6 times
B) 7-10 times
C) More than 10 times
And it was all downhill from there. Here’s some of the more interesting questions from the survey.
“When you skied or snowboarded in the past 12 months, what color was your helmet?”
C) I did not wear a helmet
D) Blood Orange
“During the past 12 months, how many people did you electronically bully?”
A) 0 people
B) 1-3 people
C) 3-6 people
D) More than 6 people
“Did they have it coming?”
“How frequently do you drink alcohol?”
A) I don’t drink alcohol.
B) I drink a little alcohol.
C) I drink a lot of alcohol.
D) I’m drinking alcohol right now.
“On a scale of 1-10, how attractive are you?”
“If you answered 6 or higher, do you have plans for Friday?”
“What was your first paid employment?”
A) Director of the Board of Nuclear Safety
B) Something else
“During the past 7 days, how many times have you snuck into a movie theatre and replaced all the movies with 30-minute films of yourself eating a nice bowl of spaghetti?”
A) 0 times
B) 1-2 times
C) 3-4 times
D) 5 or more times
Wow. It’s incredible what kind of information goes into keeping our schools safe. As of press time, the data from the surveys has been compiled. It was found that the average height of all students was 5’10”. Data from all other questions was inconclusive.