Your December Horoscope

AP Astrology is new to U-32, but there are none who doubt the class’s usefulness. From reading a person’s future based on stars, to reading a different person’s future based on different stars, the class’s range of talent is truly incredible. So without further ado… your December horoscope!


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) : New winds will blow your way, creating a wind chill of -32 degrees. Bill Kimball will still not call a delayed start.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Sometimes it’s better to just let go. Remember this when you’re climbing the rock wall in PE class.


Aries (March 21 – April 19): The best way to navigate the upcoming weeks will not be with the GPS that you stole from your grandfather’s new truck.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20): “Don’t base your decisions on the advice of those who don’t have to deal with the results.” Keep this in mind when you are considering responding to that Nigerian prince who emailed you saying that he’ll put $10,000,000 in your bank account.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20): An important next step in becoming your best self is stepping out of your comfort zone. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots in your TA say.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You will face intense criticism from your peers when you bring gluten-free, vegan brownies to your TA holiday party.


Leo (July 23 – August 22): A picture says 1,000 words. This makes pictures a quick and easy way to get your word count up in an essay.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22): The position of Saturn suggests that to accomplish your academic goals, you will need determination, positivity, and 36 hours of no sleep.


Libra (September 23 – October 22): The wrath of Kath will come your way when your dad burns all of your chemistry homework as kindling for the woodstove.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You’ll finally learn to take the high road when you find that the low road is the same one that the U-32 administration took when they made winter break as short as possible.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You will find your true love when Mark randomly assigns you as their lab partner for the third time in a row.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Tread lightly in the coming weeks, for Curtis Pond is not as frozen as you think.


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