Scandal: Race Results Questioned as Doping Allegations Arise

The recent “sporting event of the millennium,” the Root vs. Kingwood race, attracted more than one hundred students, faculty, and staff. Any of those that were in attendance could tell you that Root was the clear winner of the race. But new information has surfaced that may suggest otherwise.

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Are Root’s red, non-Photoshopped eyes the result of determination, or of steroids?

The U-32 ESC (Ethical Sporting Commission) recently uncovered evidence that Root may have taken performance enhancing drugs before the competition. “We have reason to believe that Root used performance enhancing drugs to ensure a victory against Kingwood. We have launched a full-scale investigation on the incident,” said Cole Meleady, chairman of the commission.

The investigation began after an anonymous source revealed to the ESC that the letters of Root’s comments can be rearranged to spell out what he was thinking subconsciously. For instance, when Root told a reporter “I wanted to get out there, put on a show for the people, and PR,” what he meant was “I dope so now he won’t get out ahead of pet or lap pett.”

“Clearly, he refers to himself as “pet” because the subconscious mind’s relationship to the body is that of an owner to a pet,” said Mark Chaplin, who took Psychology in college and considers himself to be an expert.

Andrew Tripp, Root’s coach, responded to the recently surfaced allegations. “These accusations are outrageous! My runners are the most elite in central Vermont, and the very idea that one of my men would cheat is preposterous!”

Root himself was unavailable for comment.

As of press time, the ESC is awaiting results from the drug test. The CP Chemistry class will conducting a urinalysis of both athletes, and should be able to give a definitive verdict next time they have lab.