Ask Aunt Mary: Get advice!

Dear Aunt Mary,

I’m afraid I really blew it. I goofed off my entire time here and now Ican’t get into the college I want. What should I do?

signed,
Hopeless at Home

Dearest Poppit,

Yep, you’re pretty well screwed! Even McHamburg U demands a GRE, at least. Best hope you look dashing in the paper hat. Think of the savings you’ll have never buying cologne as you are going to smell like burnt fries anyway. Babe magnet! On the bright side, you can always take a gap year and sign up for the Peace Corps. Vermont has the highest volunteer rate of any state and it’s a good way to show a potential college that you’ve grown up while doing something worthwhile. AmeriCorps is still another option, but here at home. You can always take classes at CCV to improve your transcripts and try to apply to your college next year or even the next. Get off your Duff!

Dear Aunt Mary,

What do you do when you are stuck living with vegans? My foster family doesn’t even have real coffee, yeechhh.

Signed,

Very Hungry Carnivore

Dearest Carnie,

I so feel for you! A woman doesn’t get such a lovely form as mine living off bean sprouts. And no coffee!! The withholding of caffeine with malice of forethought is a criminal act, or should be. But in all other accounts, they are very nice, caring people who would not be at all pleased should you beetle home with a butcher’s bag of raw Bambi! This leaves but one alternative: CHEAT! Sneak out to McD’s or BK’s to gorge yourself on a double double whopper or two and listen as you hear your arteries snapping shut. Hey, you’re young​!​

Submit advice questions to mbashaw@student.u32.org