Nine Pro Tips on “How to be Popular in Middle School.”

Ever tried being popular in middle school? It’s hard. Are you in high school and you want to fit in with the middle schoolers? It’s just as hard. These nine pro tips will teach you how to fit in and be the popular cool kid, no matter your grade.

1. Smile at everyone you see in the hallway. If they spit on you, it’s a sign of affection and growth.

2. During lunch, stand at the highest point in the school and shower your fellow middle schoolers with free packets of mayonnaise. Every. Single. Day.

3. Find the current most popular kid and challenge him to a crème brûlée cook off.

4. Make some homemade jewelry from the compost pile in your backyard. The deeper you dig, the more popular you’re guaranteed to become.

5. Go to all of the fun school events, like, the 99 cent wing night at the Barre Elks Club.

6. Keep up with all the current television shows, like, “My Mother, the Car.”

7. Give up your beliefs on the education system and surrender your remaining years to Vulcan, the Volcano God.

8. Discover a new word for pen.

9. Give birth to a middle schooler that will take over your legacy as, “The Most Popular Student in Middle Schooler History,” for when you are no longer young and beautiful.